In an effort to get out of my previous familial and living arrangements, as I've mentioned in previous blog posts and posts to the Neocities activity feed, I moved several hours away from where I'd been for over a decade and did so with nearly no support network or community to rely on. I moved to a much smaller metro area, by comparison. It's grown since I last lived here 20+ years ago, but it still is nothing even close to like where I was previously living. Especially when it comes to public transit, support programs, and general functionality if you don't have a vehicle - which I do not.

I'd rather be starving and broke than dealing with what I was, which compounded pre-existing physical and mental health concernes and eventually led up to me being hospitalized for accute and severe mental health issues. However, after nearly 11 months here not much as improved. I managed to secure an apartment of my own that is cost effective and near the one good friend I have in this godforsaken landscape. But it has been a struggle paying the rent when I can't find a job that I can get to on foot, bike, or bus. I was lucky to be approved for a supportive housing program that helped pay my rent for the first six months, but the last five months it has been nearly impossible to do so. I have sold nearly everything of value that I was gifted and/or arrived with to keep this roof over my head. In the meantime, I've been unable to pay my electric bill, so my power finally got cut off a month ago to the day. I've been running extension cords up into my apartment from a shared outlet in the hallway. For one thing, I have no idea who pays this bill for this outlet. No one on the property does. So I'm nervous that eventually the landlord will catch wind of increased usage and have something to say. I'm also neverous that next months bills arrive for any one of the tennants and their electric bill is through the roof. I'm lucky in the fact that none of my neighbors are feeling any type of way about me keeping my food cold and my apartment a liveable temperature - I live on the 3rd floor of a 4 unit old house, it gets hot quickly up here. But the weight is there, I will have to address this at some point, I feel.

In the month that I've barely been able to pay rent, I have lost my power and started leeching it, my bathroom has gone the way of the buffalo, it seems. I won't even get into how un-usable it's gotten in under 72 hours, with increasing severity and compounding issues on top of what appeared to be, initially, a clog in the drain. I have not showered in four days, I've had to shit in my downstair neighbors toilet or walk to a gas station a total of four times. We are trying to get a plumber in here, but the landlord is bucking at rates and severity of the situation. We finally rented, or more accurately - one of the neighbors rented, because I only have 81 cents to my name - a powered drain snake. So tomorrow morning, I get to pretend that I'm a plumber. Balls. When I flush the toilet it backs up into the bathtub. When I run water while brushing my teeth, the toilet starts to gurgle, and the bathdub starts to back up. So far, none of the neighbors have had any back up issues in any of their sinks, drains, etc but they are starting to have a sewage smell prevail in their apartments. My apartment smells fine, but I'm on the top floor. Everything is going down. So, paying what I do for this pad I still get to wake up and tackle this plumbing issue on my own with a powered drain snake. I don't have to pay for it, which is a plus, but there is a bit of a timeline using it based on it being a rental - and I don't feel as though I should have to even concern myself with that fact. Let alone be the person, with absolutely zero plumbing experience, being the person to try and figure it out and how to use it and, hopefully, make progress. But I will. Because, as much of a hip hop and punk and metalhead and raver that I am, I don't like to rock the boat until and where I don't have to.

While all of this has been coalescing into the shitshow it has clearly and certainly become, I awoke today to find my dog favoring one side of her rear legs big time. Now she's mostly not moving around, except for on the bed we share. I've had to feed and water her and give her treats there because she doesn't want to jump the six or less inches to the ground and walk the two feet to her food and drink and treat station. And I have zero dollars to take her in. And there no longer exists vets, emergency or otherwise, that will bill you for services. And, yes, I've applied for all the CareCredit and related programs, my credit got tanked as a result of student loans so I'm fucked on all those fronts. That said, no hate, CareCredit is an amazing program you should look into for your own health needs and pet health needs if your budget ain't golden.

My one year anniversay of exiting the menthal health hospital was a month or so back and my month leaving the toxic family and living arrangement is just around the corner. Father's day is less than a week away. I'm a fucking mess, no two ways about it. But I'm just tryna put one foot in front of the other. It's been great to have this space to come back to, these connections to make again, and this space - seperated from everyone and everything else - to just come put it down and out there.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages or followed or commented or or or... It's more meaningful than you know, but you probably know.

I was told that I am to be borrowed a vehicle starting Saturday next week, which will vastly open up my job and doctor appointment options. So, as sad and downy as all the previous text may have felt, I'm gonna ride out this week grinding and potentially/probably/possibly have a vehicle to use starting then that will open my world up when it comes to going somewhere and sucking dick to pay my rent and electric and shit.

I'm gonna forever put my info out there, as I've definitely tossed a couple bucks someones way more than once that managed to change their trajectory.

My PayPal is: aintiller@protonmail.com, you can also tip me on Neocities.